Apples

Richard Milward

2007

I first read a review for Apples in a magazine about six years ago and the book was quoted as being a modern day story of Adam and Eve, and I fell in love. I love historical events that are re imagined in a modern context. One of the main reasons I passed History 12 was that I memorized WWII as an SNL Skit. If you have ever seen Kristin Wiigs' "Gilly" skit this might sound familiar.

Here is an excerpt:

Hitler invades Austria

Allies: Hiiitler!!

Hitler: blank stare, slow blinks

Allies: Hiiiiiitler

Hitler: I promise I won't do it again

Hitler invades Poland

Allies: Hiiitler!

Hitler: What (Vat).

From what I know about the bible and Adam and Eve I was expecting a book about maybe two crazy kids at a highschool that fall in love. The principle (god) or their parents (god) or society (god) tells them not to do something and the bad boy lures Eve into doing something. This however if not what I received. This book was about two British teens who just happened to be named Adam and Eve who aren't even friends and only get so close as to a kiss on the cheek. All Eve does is drugs and drink and have sex. All Adam does is listen to the Beatles and have OCD. Nothing happens in this book. AT ALL. 

Major Spoiler Alerts:
At one point, a girl is raped at party. She wakes up and takes the morning after pill, throws it up because she is so hungover, on the way out to the clinic to get another one she runs into her boyfriend and feels that she can't tell him so she does not continue to the clinic, she gets pregnant and doesn't abort, gives birth to the baby and realizes how shitty it is being a teen mother since she can't go out and party, no no guy wants to have sex with her. She drops her baby of a bridge

OFF A BRIDGE.

I have no idea if that author of the original magazine article was reading a COMPLETELY different book than I was or if I remembered the review differently but I give this book zero bolts. Even though I read it three times.

Reviewed by: Lorenda!